After the 5th breakdown of the week, I had enough. 

Well, after having witnessed 3 breast cancer family members, 1 broken fridge, 1 false fire alarm, 1 broken stove burner, many tiny bugs invading my bathroom, 1 freakout to a split lip bleeding my guts out, 1 yeast infection, 1 very uncomfortable cyst “down there”, 1 vein that just doesn’t look right, a few pimples bleeding for no good reason, multiple business challenges, all in 3 months. I had nowhere to run. 

I couldn’t blame it on PMDD anymore.

And quite frankly I was tired of being told that I was the problem, the so-called “common denominator”. I always strived to be the best person I could be: to my amazing soulmate clients, to my friends, to my family. Why was I constantly told that I was the problem?

I had taken all of these challenges and made lemonade from them. Look, see! I’m doing what you’re telling me to do! Lemon stand ready to go. Sword in hand, ready to blast whatever new “energy” came my way. Ready to beat any “negative voices” on their heads. Ready to take a stab at whatever energetic battle the more dramatic lightworkers talk about all the time. Regardless if it’s true or not, why should I even be adding fuel to the fire?

But the truth is? I was exhausted.

My soul was tired of fighting. 

There was nothing more I could do.

So I lay there, looking at all my “mistakes”, wondering what I did wrong, all the “gurus” seem to think I am doing something “wrong” if I am not hitting those 15k months. I knew it wasn’t my offers, nor the energy of them. I have a big mission. I’m digging up crystals from the days of Lemuria, single-handedly healing the planet from disease, and helping women create all the things they desire to create. Immense value. Life-changing stuff. My regular clients are happy.

But even if I hit a 3k month, I’d take it and be grateful. 

So I sat there and wallowed in self-pity.

It was the only thing I felt I could do.

I had no desire to paint.

No desire to put makeup on.

No desire to even wear a different outfit. 

Just sitting here wondering what it is I am missing, trying to get it right, always feeling like Spirit was dangling carrots around me and never letting me take a bite of it. Part of me wanted an apology for it all. Like I was cheated by life. Some sort of raincheck for what I couldn’t have delivered.  After all, I was supposed to be married with 2 kids by now. A cat, maybe a dog at some point. But none of it happened. I saw men pass me by and the results were anti-climatic. 

When I just took a moment to examine my life as of late, I realized that it was enough to make anyone’s head spin, especially for someone who had JUST purchased a home, carrying a mortgage, no car, and a spinster with hardly any family in the same country as her.

That takes ladyballs.

And if any gurus, any spirits, any souls, would be incapable of seeing that courage and resilience, well, your loss?

Sincerely,

Dora from March 9th, 2024.